Monday, September 04, 2006

Advice

I need some.

In previous blog posts I may have made reference to a friend of mine who isn't a friend anymore... We didn't get into a fight. We just stopped talking. Even though there is usually a mutual upset in friendships that don't last, I have to say I mainly blame her for the fact that we don't talk anymore. She made the choice to take herself away.

I've been pretty angry with her since Christmas for reasons that I won't bother getting into. Some of these reasons may have been blown out of proportion because I never did even talk to her about them. That's the problem with this type of situation: if you don't get into a fight then nothing gets said. Or resolved.

Have you ever had a friendship with a person who stopped making an effort to call her friends because of a man? A friend who, when the relationship wasn't going well, would call you crying or to vent about how miserable he made her, only to run back to him and disappear when things got better again? We never understood why she kept going back to this guy. Didn't have the chance to get to know him because I'm fairly certain she was worried we'd already judged him as not good enough. Which was completely true - we never did get a chance to find out otherwise since they kept their relationship to themselves, and only went out with his friends.

There were 3 of us who spent all of our time together - felt like I had two sisters. We shared everything and went through a few pretty intense things together (breakups, crushes, finding out somebody's pregnant) yet when this guy called, she answered. And disappeared.

I'm still pretty sad about the way things ended, but haven't thought about it as much lately - it's been almost 6 months since we last talked.

For the last couple of days she's been on msn messenger and each time I saw her I wanted to send a message. Problem with that is:

1. Don't know what to say
2. Don't know if I want to bother trying anymore
3. Don't know if the things I want to say are going to make things better or worse
4. Since being with him she has totally changed so many of the things that made her the person she was (a fellow beer drinking hockey watcher actually) and I don't know if I'd be able to relate to her anymore

So I just sat and stared at the little green icon with her name beside it before closing my msn window. Maybe I'm being childish but I feel like she's the one who should be trying to salvage our friendship. Am I wrong?

Losing a friend is like (and sometimes worse than) being dumped.

Not sure what to do...

6 Comments:

  • At 8:32 PM, Blogger NotCarrie said…

    It is tough because in these situations the other person SHOULD make the effort. If you miss being friends and in contact, though, I'd write and say hi. Open up the lines of communication again and if she doesn't respond well, then drop it. The ball can be in her court.

     
  • At 10:19 PM, Blogger ledawit said…

    i totally agree with the advice from "notcarrie" .. i know how you feel in a small way about this kind of situation but let the ball be in her court and see what happens..atleast you made the effort and if she doesnt return it then its her loss ... miss u lots an read my blog :):):)!!

     
  • At 6:52 AM, Blogger Beechball * said…

    I agree too. Plus, you're in London so the only thing you'd be able to do is talk anyways so why not give it a shot and like above said, if she doesn't respond then drop it - sometimes even though the responsibility lies with someone else, its best to just do it and see what happens. After all, they were a friend and maybe she feels really bad and doesnt know what to say either - ? Be the 'bigger man' ya know? Good luck

     
  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Dariush said…

    Melinda,

    The real question you have to ask yourself is not can you live with making the step of trying to rebuild the friendship, but can you NOT live without making this step.

    Who we surround ourselves with, our friends, says volumes about the person we want to be. Our friends are the people whom we believe to have qualities we either share with them or want to learn from them...

    Anger is like medicine, and all medicines are poisons: They can have a positive effect, but too much and you'll die. Please don't indulge in too much of this.

    If you really want to rekindle this friendship, if it is really worth it to you, consider this, according to your list:

    1 - Not knowing what to say is far less important than having the courage to open your heart and say SOMETHING.
    2 - See above...
    3 - It all depends on what you are going to say. If you really want to make this work, just the fact of trying goes a long way. Have faith in yourself to be able to connect with this person whom you have already shared so much with.
    4 - At the core of each person are the key things that make us want to be their friend. We can have so much NOT in common with someone, and still be totally connected with them. Again, this is for you to decide.

    I hope it works out for the best...

    p.s. - the fact that you put me under the category of "Strangers Who Make Me Wish I Was a Better Writer" really makes me blush. Thanks!

     
  • At 5:24 PM, Blogger Melinda said…

    wow - I have a lot more to think about with this than I thought! Thanks to you all for your insightful words...

    perhaps a conversation is in order after all...

     
  • At 2:42 PM, Blogger Tam's thoughts said…

    Mel,
    I was in your situation. I had a friend that I haven't spoken to in 7 years. My mom works with her mom and I would get the scoop on her life like that and she would get the scoop on me the same way. Well I told my mom to invite them to my baby shower. I had made the firs move. Her and her mom both came to the shower. Even if we didn't get enough time to talk, I'm hoping we will start emailing eachother. Well she needs to email me first since I lost it.( I honestly did). It was nice to see her again but I can tell you this she hasn't changed at all. It's up to me to see if now being 7 years older if I can tolerate her. Only you can make the decision,but I would try to contact her. If she doesn't respond then no time wasted. Good luck

     

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