Friday, September 29, 2006

in which the "worst that can happen" now seems like a possibility

I hate that I'm sitting in a cozy one bedroom flat in one of the nicest areas of London, England with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. Even as I type this, I wipe a hand across my cheek.

This should be a happy time. An exciting adventure. I should be damn proud that my dream of being a teacher isn't just happening - it's going wonderfully. Several members of the staff at the school I'm working in want me to stay, the children write me letters saying "I love you, you're my favourite teacher", draw me pictures, and give me hugs and look to me for approval when we're sitting in assemblies. Our class is working faster than the other year 3 class. I'm learning to manage all of the craziness and multi-tasking that being a teacher requires. The fact that it's all happened within my first two weeks of teaching is pretty wonderful - I really lucked out with this placement.

My life has been blessed in so many ways.

Now things are happening that are completely out of my control (and yes, I do hate that) and I have to sit back and wait to see what will come next.

I've had to go to my parents yet again, hat in hand, asking for their help. Swallow my pride and again revert to being the little immature kid again who didn't follow up with her end of the bargain. I know that's being dramatic but it's how I feel. I'm a very proud person and the thought of my parents feeling disappointed in me is something that has driven me to try my best at everything I've done in life. To their credit they've never let me feel that way - even when I probably deserved a swift kick in the ass (or two).

Jeremy has had no luck at all finding work and is now thinking he may have to stay in Canada and work while I stay here. Just reading this sentence blurs my vision again. Maybe something will finally fall into place for us, but we're faced with the realization that unless something happens soon our Great Big Adventure is going to turn into a Great Big Mess.

Got my first paycheck yesterday. The official validation of my status as a professional educator. No longer am I a self-employed little piano teacher, a student teacher, or school volunteer. I am now the authority in the classroom - the one parents seek out when students struggle in or out of the classroom, the one children want approval from and obey when I give commands to stop talking or sit quietly while they do their work. It's amazing being the One In Charge. The Responsible Person who looks after 30 little people each day hoping to help them to learn something new while keeping them safe and hopefully happy.

But I digress as usual...

A little note with my paycheck ruined it all.

To avoid having to wait 5-10 days for your check to be processed, please consider signing up for direct deposit so your funds will be available to you from 9am each payday.

It's the 29th of September. Rent is due in two days...


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