Friday, December 19, 2008

blank stares at blank pages

I've been trying to write a publish-able post for several weeks now. It's not for lack of things to write about, but somehow my posts are not coming out the way I want them to. For example, when I told my best friend about the last one I wrote, her response was "oh, that's kinda depressing, huh?"

On hindsight, it kinda is. In an attempt to be cheerful, I'd listed reasons why Life Doesn't Suck Today. While I was trying to be funny, I can understand how this would be interpreted and am pretty sure nobody wants to read the same old thing about life being tough but focusing on the good things. It's been a theme in my blog pretty much since Day 1. Probably because that attitude is such an ingrained part of my personality.

I like to think I'm a positive person who focuses on the happiness that comes out of life, but to be honest these thoughts are usually in contrast to the stressful things - a silver lining to the black cloud, if you want to re-use an old metaphor.

Maybe it's just that there has been so much bad news lately, in my own personal life and in the world. Maybe the weight of being broke (my substitute for the word "poor" that for some reason doesn't sound as depressing) for 3 years has become more of an issue sub-consciously. I don't want to think about money as often as I do, but it's hard not to when the whole world seems to focused on it. On top of everything, I keep hearing stories from friends and family about these awful things that are going on.

So I try to write something that will help to take it away - even just for a minute or two.

But the pages either fill up with things that would only remind them. Or they stay stubbornly blank, as I flip back and forth between Blogger and other websites, hoping for inspiration.

Ironically, I don't feel unhappy. There are so many things that I am thankful for and love about my life that sometimes I just smile. I have two jobs that I absolutely love, a host of friends and family who are just wonderful, and many, many things to look forward to. I've been out supply teaching several times now, and am slowly inching toward seeing my name on a classroom door one day.

Yet the pages stay blank.

People are writing inspiring Christmas stories, sad tales about lost loved ones, funny anecdotes about things happening in their lives, and still I sit, unmoving.

It feels like there's something inside me to share.

This morning a snowstorm moved into London. The weather is so bad that schools are closed today, giving students and teachers here an extra day of vacation. The cars on the streets are already covered and the wind chimes on the porch are singing as snowy gusts whip past the windows. The weather makes me want to sit in my pajamas with a cup of coffee and a book, but I have one last day of work before my own holiday. A busy day ahead.

So I'll get up and sing in the shower for a little while before pulling on winter clothes and heading out into our snowglobe world. I'll pray for my 94 year-old grandmother who's in a hospital bed, in a sort of limbo now, hoping she'll be comfortable today.

Hundreds of thoughts will push in and out of my mind. Maybe I'll write some of them down later and see what happens.


  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger Suldog said…

    First off, "broke" is a much better word. "Broke" implies fixable. "Poor" sounds like a much tougher situation.

    Second, and more important, write from your soul. I, for one, don't care if it's dark in there. When people care about you - which I do - they care about ALL of you. Let it out, rather than keeping it inside where it will fester and grow and start blocking out the good stuff (which will come, of it's own accord.)


    P.S. My word verification is "bedomens". I don't know if that's just "bad omens" misspelled or if it foretells lousy sex.

  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger Jeni said…

    Do you know that Blogger Shelly Tucker of This Eclectic Life has a thing she does every Friday called "Only the Good Friday" in which, if you join in the fun there, you can post about how you see the good in everything. And although some days, we all know it may be a little difficult to find the good in things happening to us, if you look at it from other angles, it can be done. I think that is what you've been doing all along -seeing the cup as half full instead of half empty, haven't you? Well, at least that is how I interpreted your writings and saw them as very good pieces. I often pick fun out of the bad things in my life whenever, wherever I can as that was, it helps me to avoid getting totally bogged down in a depressed frame of mine. I'm inviting you to check out Shelly's blog and see if you might want to join in there too. I think your posts would make excellent pieces for the Only the Good Friday event. (You can find Shelly's blog on mine -shows on my favorites list there.


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