Friday, March 03, 2006

Postcards from the past

An interesting thing happened to me yesterday. I was reading a friend's blog story about one of my two nephews (Kim & Steve's little man, Gordie), and went to make a comment. After clicking on the link, I noticed that my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend had made a post.
It was really strange reading her comments - so familiar and friendly - and knowing that she and my ex hang out with Kim & Steve. Especially with Kim, considering she's one of my closest friends. It doesn't bother me - it's just wierd.
My relationship with Dan was so bad that I don't know if it will ever become a distant memory. We definitely brought out the worst in each other. I didn't like the person I was when I was with him - I was timid, whiny, afraid to step on his toes, and had no confidence in myself when I was with him. He was one of those people who had such a strong personality that it was easy to forget my own. I doubt he ever knew how badly he hurt me while we were together... I hope that this girl he's with now (who seems very nice) is faring better. I hope she is strong and doesn't just back down when they fight like I did, and let him convince her to agree with his point of view all the time.
It's sad that I can't remember a happy time with him anymore - the negative just took over in the end I guess.
It's funny how tempted I am to vent about this even 3 years later. Funny that I'm still angry with him for making me doubt myself. Funny that I still can't imagine the thought of being in the same room with him. Funny that when he found out I was in teacher's college, he said "good for me for leaving Stream". I swear when I heard that I was ready to drive to Sudbury, knock on his door and tell him just how much I've accomplished and how far I've come since I moved away from him. To explain - i left a job that was paying $38,000 a year, and a month after I quit my job, I could have been in Sweden developing global curriculum for Sony Ericsson cell phones. Both HP and Sony Ericsson tried to hire me, I have several people from both companies offering to provide references, and if I tried to get a job with them later - I would be welcomed with open arms. Why did I leave? No pension plan (at the time), no job security (unless I did sign on with HP or Sony Ericsson), and I really didnt' feel like I was in a job that would make a difference in the world. On to teaching, and being accepted into a program that over 6,000 other people applied to - only 700 of us were accepted.
I know that there's no point even spending time thinking about this - but part of me wants to remember so I never let myself become that way again. And to be honest - it kinda feels nice to be proud of myself. Another benefit to having my own blog. I let him convince me that I wouldnt' be a good teacher, that I wasn't good enough to sing in front of people, that I was fat, that I complained too much, and the list goes on.
Since I remember again that I am a strong person, and a good teacher, and if i have a few extra pounds it sure as hell hasn't stopped men from finding me attractive, it's not problem getting over the hurt. I just wish there was some way to get over the anger...


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