Sunday, November 18, 2007

Confessions of a Bad Blogger

Okay, I gave up.

Something about not having the creative juices or the time to post something worthwhile to read each day made me hesitate before hitting the "publish" button a couple of days ago.

I could have done it. Put out one of the dullest posts ever to be written out into the internet and waited for you all to die of boredom or decide immediately to remove me from your blog rolls. Instead, I opted out of NaBloPoMo with no small amount of shame, but a renewed promise to myself that my posts will be better written and more interesting than they have of late...

I think part of the problem is that I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions lately. Being fired threw me out of what was quickly becoming a comfort zone and has forced me to take a hard look at myself and the future I am hoping to achieve. Being a horrible procrastinator, I still haven't taken care of a few things that need attention Right Now.

If I can be completely honest with myself, I think part of the reason behind my hesitation is fear.

I blame England. And Windsor. And the thousands of dollars in debt that has me counting pennies and living paycheck-to-paycheck each month.

The last two years have taken their toll: a formerly optimistic, albeit naiive person who always seemed to have it easy has been turned into a skeptical, cautious girl who still feels like she's a teenager sometimes and often wonders when life got so hard. Maybe this is a normal thing for people in their late 20s who have not yet found work in their chosen fields? Or maybe it's just Growing Up...

Okay, so I don't really blame England. Or Windsor. These changes in me have come about as the result of a series of bad / uninformed choices - all of which were made in good faith that Things Always Work Out for the Best.

I'm afraid of what might happen if I try my best to get to where I need to go and it still isn't good enough.

Do I take a retail or customer service job just to pay the bills and get through Christmas? Knowing that neither job will be a lasting position or one that will get me any closer to the goals I've set for myself? Or do I use things like the London Unemployment Center to help me spend 8 hours a day for three weeks searching for contacts and positions in my field? Would doing that be wasted time?

Visiting there felt a little bit that way. I sat in the office of a perfectly lovely counsellor, told her my story about getting fired, and discussed my options and goals for the future. She told me that I was highly skilled and clearly a person who would be fantastic in pretty much any of the jobs I've been searching for. She said I just need to make the right contacts. Then she suggested trying their Job Hunting Club, where trained professionals would help us to perform successful job searches and make contacts in our chosen fields. It all sounded great until the 8 hours per day for 3 weeks part came up... Even with the sporadic Mad Science work, I'm not sure I will be able to take part in this program.

And I've hesitated to make this decision because I honestly don't know what to do: work in a going-nowhere-dead-end-job for a while just to make money, or keep on living like a pauper and worrying about every penny for another month or two and try to find somebody in the school board who'll give me a chance.

I don't want to regret the choices I've made. After everything that's happened since we moved to Windsor, I'm tired of the mistakes and wrong choices and just want to know what the hell to do to get me to where I want to be. (and I don't quite trust that this Job Hunting Club will be the answer)

Right now, I want to be working in jobs that will help take me a step closer to finding my classroom. I want to be making enough money that we can afford to go out for dinner or to the movies once in awhile, and the sting of debt from teacher's college and the London Experiment will be lessened by regular payments on my credit line and saving money for the future.

Usually, I try to write my posts with a happy ending. A positive statement or two (that more than anything else demonstrates just how optimistic I can be) that lets all of you know that I will get through things.

Tonight, I'll refrain from that. Mainly because right now it would be a lie.

I think it's okay for people to feel down once in awhile, to admit that they screwed up and that mistakes made in the past sometimes catch up with our present. And I think I needed to come to this point before starting to post here again.

I'm not depressed. Just feeling blue and wishing that life wasn't so damn difficult all of the time. Anybody who knows me will understand that tomorrow morning I'll wake up, look out the window, see our beautiful yard and tell the world to "bring it on!"

I'm giving myself the night to feel sad.

And tomorrow I'll get out of bed and try all over again. Cause things have to work out sometime, don't they?


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